Two Fat Ladies

Mary and Ann, no not wives of a King,
This weekend took their final spin and sing.

Strictly fans finally booted out, the mouthy PM known as Widdy,
As Scott & Nat danced circles around her, turning her head all giddy.

A twist in the usual proceedings saw Mary ousted for Cher,
Cowell, Cole & Minogue voted no, as Louis cried it just wasn’t fair.

Mary beat the crying Cher hands down with her vocal skill,
But Cher’s urban cool has Simon convinced she’ll more likely top the bill.

Last night saw a spectacular host of guests wow the cheering crowd,
From upside down violinists to Glee it was a night to make music proud.

Cheryl’s music pal Will.i.am and his fellow Black Eyed Peas,
Had the time of their lives on the X Factor stage – but that Will, he’s a right old tease.

He wouldn’t confirm either way which of Cheryl’s girls he prefers,
He thinks Rebecca’s having a Gaye old time but he also rather likes Cher.

The cast of Glee incited the finalists to keep on believing they can win,
As Matt, Rebecca, One Direction and Cher, prepare to learn who’ll sink and who’ll swim.

Meanwhile on Strictly a romance was aired as Kara’s partner confirmed they’re an Artem,
And their Moulin Rouge Tango was sizzling hot – the judges just can’t get enough of them!

Pamela scored a perfect 4-0 on the weekend she turned 61,
While Matt Baker injected the show with some goofy and groovy and most of all, fun!

Gavin finally turned in a brilliant performance with a Blues Brothers’ inspired routine,
Mastering the dancefloor with two weeks to go – will he realise his other sporting dream?

Back to ITV and the ‘next big boyband’ are continuing to take the show by storm,
Attending the world premiere of the new Narnia film, this lifestyle’s becoming the norm.

Although the clear vocalists are Rebecca and Matt, I’m not sure this year that’s enough,
As Britain’s population of teenage girls keep voting to save their teen crush.

Apparently flu was doing the rounds catching Simon and Matt in its trap,
To be honest though, I truly believe that VT was overkill of bedridden Matt.

It’s cold outside, and bugs abound, it’s standard for this time of year,
Let’s not make a federal case out of it, just get up and persevere.

Sympathy votes will no longer work as the finale edges closer to our screens,
But who will be voted as this year’s champion, our X Factor King(s) or Queen?

It's Not Over till the Fat Lady Spins...

It is my general feeling that reality TV is a bust,
As those that defy its (true) purposes have become the public must.

Keeping in the likes, of Widdecombe, Wagner and McKeith,
To evoke salacious headlines, that are truly beyond belief.

Fainting fits and ridiculous claims that the old bat is (cough) ‘with child’,
Have the viewers agog and the press tuned in and her fellow jungle folk riled.

Sheryl Gascoigne has been booted out as McKeith goes slowly mad,
Raving like a loony behind jungle bars, things ain’t never looked so bad.

Meanwhile hopping back across, to this cold dark side of the world,
It’s the voters who’ve lost their marbles, perhaps you haven’t heard.

Seems us Brits have a penchant, for uncoordinated former PMs,
And loonies that lie and Brazilians that try, to send us to our wits’ end.

Yes poor Anton’s back must be in want of a rub, after weeks of dragging around,
His less than svelte partner whose misshapen routines, just worsen with every round.

There’s no room for talent, it seems, any more – no instead we’re just after some laughs,
As Strictly and X cater to an audience intent on garnering a farce.

The real X Factor favourite, he of the decorator’s hat,
Concerned about W’s voting power, last week cornered his foe in a spat.

Brawling at show rehearsals Matt accused the Brazilian of being rude,
Bad-mouthing their fellow contestants, with comments upsetting and lewd.

Convinced that Wagner will win, when it comes to the show finale,
He branded W a “joke” and said he had a “terrible feeling”,

That the TV terrorists who are keeping him in will be out in force on that day,
Condemning the real stars and their fans to a television parody.

Week after week he sails on through smug written all over his face,
Well I urge you people of Britain to knock him out before it’s too late.