Two Fat Ladies

Mary and Ann, no not wives of a King,
This weekend took their final spin and sing.

Strictly fans finally booted out, the mouthy PM known as Widdy,
As Scott & Nat danced circles around her, turning her head all giddy.

A twist in the usual proceedings saw Mary ousted for Cher,
Cowell, Cole & Minogue voted no, as Louis cried it just wasn’t fair.

Mary beat the crying Cher hands down with her vocal skill,
But Cher’s urban cool has Simon convinced she’ll more likely top the bill.

Last night saw a spectacular host of guests wow the cheering crowd,
From upside down violinists to Glee it was a night to make music proud.

Cheryl’s music pal Will.i.am and his fellow Black Eyed Peas,
Had the time of their lives on the X Factor stage – but that Will, he’s a right old tease.

He wouldn’t confirm either way which of Cheryl’s girls he prefers,
He thinks Rebecca’s having a Gaye old time but he also rather likes Cher.

The cast of Glee incited the finalists to keep on believing they can win,
As Matt, Rebecca, One Direction and Cher, prepare to learn who’ll sink and who’ll swim.

Meanwhile on Strictly a romance was aired as Kara’s partner confirmed they’re an Artem,
And their Moulin Rouge Tango was sizzling hot – the judges just can’t get enough of them!

Pamela scored a perfect 4-0 on the weekend she turned 61,
While Matt Baker injected the show with some goofy and groovy and most of all, fun!

Gavin finally turned in a brilliant performance with a Blues Brothers’ inspired routine,
Mastering the dancefloor with two weeks to go – will he realise his other sporting dream?

Back to ITV and the ‘next big boyband’ are continuing to take the show by storm,
Attending the world premiere of the new Narnia film, this lifestyle’s becoming the norm.

Although the clear vocalists are Rebecca and Matt, I’m not sure this year that’s enough,
As Britain’s population of teenage girls keep voting to save their teen crush.

Apparently flu was doing the rounds catching Simon and Matt in its trap,
To be honest though, I truly believe that VT was overkill of bedridden Matt.

It’s cold outside, and bugs abound, it’s standard for this time of year,
Let’s not make a federal case out of it, just get up and persevere.

Sympathy votes will no longer work as the finale edges closer to our screens,
But who will be voted as this year’s champion, our X Factor King(s) or Queen?

Please Sir, I want some more...

Little orphan Waissel went from blonde to brown,
Avoiding the bottom two for once, can she now visualise her crown?

They say a change is as good as a rest, and it seems to have done the trick,
As Katie was first to make it through, but can she make it stick?

An internet leak of the voting results revealed an interesting fact,
Katie and Cher came in at equal footing …methinks I smell a rat…!

Journalist Samantha Wood spoke to Xtra Factor’s Konnie Huq,
Asking where does Katie’s performance end (umm… what about her luck?)

A sobbing Cher went head-to-head with Dannii’s little soul man,
And Louis ended Paije’s dream (despite saying he was his biggest fan).

Dermot popped a little kiss on top of Cher’s fake hair,
(Yes Lloyd’s Mum revealed her secret stash in a slight TV overshare).

The headlines detailing Katie’s death threats had to share the limelight,
With the Pope approving of condom use, yes you heard that right.

And it seems someone will benefit, with reports Waissel’s nan charges by the hour,
But ITV insisted it wouldn’t mark Katie’s departure from X Factor Towers.

Rebecca wore the same damn dress for the third (or fourth week) in a row,
It must be lucky for the Liverpool lass (or else she’s run out of clothes!)

The joke of this year’s line up was MIA from the group performance,
It would have been a mockery for him to “sing” in the name of a worthwhile cause.

Mr Matt paraded out in a wife-beater for Beatles night,
Simon wasn’t keen on it …perhaps he found it too tight?!

Although we know that Mr Cowell is a fan of the clingy white shirt,
Maybe he wasn’t aware of the fact that imitation is a flattery of sorts.

One Direction is everyone’s faves, even Olly Murs is in their corner,
One look, one sound, one height it’s true is equal to five performers.

Last year’s runner-up took to the stage and put everyone else to shame,
Cheeky chappy Olly won us over again as he touted his rise to fame.

With just four weeks left in this year’s comp, the pressure is on the rise,
But who in the end will walk away with 2010’s X Factor prize…?

Borne in the USA!!!

In the final four left standing before Dermot announced the last two,
I finally thought Wagner’s time was up, but shock horror D announced he got through!

So Little Miss Treyc was booted after last night’s drama show,
As Cheryl didn’t do a Meryl, refusing to let either girl go.

The Madness of Waissel continued as she publicly suffered a breakdown,
Slumping onto the stage mid-performance convinced she ain’t getting the crown.

Throwing her toys from her high-maintenance pram she looked to throw in the towel,
But lived to see another round saved by a Walsh and a Cowell.

Beautiful Matt and Rebecca, thankfully sailed into next week,
Followed by Aiden and the Bieber boys, who finally served up a treat.

Breaking formation from one straight line, they danced and grooved like Wild Cats,
Channelling High School Musical spirit and fun, they showed Efron who’s really the man!

Mary lost her will to sing, claiming she’s missing her daughter,
Surprisingly though instead of her, two other lambs were sent to the slaughter.

I guess one bad week ain’t enough to discourage fans of the Irish bird,
With Louis fighting her corner each week, adamant she be seen and heard.

Paije went all retro… oh yes, yet again, with his country club look on show,
Likened to comic Len Henry, with his yellow cardi in tow.

Cher glowered at Simon’s comments, “accepting” his view of her skill,
Though I worry for Mr X Factor, just saying, ‘if looks could kill…’

Dannii’s big sis came out sparkling complete with very high heels,
Bringing her level with Dermot, when he joined her to make his spiel.

JT lookalike Mr Shane Ward flaunted his bod and new song,
With a Matrix-style backdrop he stood up high well away from the screaming throng.

From Viva Las Vegas to Keyes’ New York, American Anthems reigned,
But who will the British public chop next as the hopefuls get nearer to fame.

Genius Comes in many forms...

They tried to revive the five-piece boyband, with a little F, Y and D,
But they were soon stripped of their dancing shoes live on Sunday TV.
The Brazilian joker of Walsh’s pack survived to the shock of the nation,
While a certain blonde cried her heart out, singing in desperation.
The headlines were full of spite, accusing Cheryl of not bringing her A-Gamu,
While an Italian diva and has-been rock leader were ousted by the public shoe!
Mad and brooding, creating a craze, Aiden let us into his world,
Evoking eerie presence and pin-up looks, his performance won over the girls.
A certain painter in a certain hat finally opened his eyes,
Melting the heart of every female with his lyrical, soulful surprise.
Camp and colourful, Simon’s duo painted the X Factor stage green, pink and blue,
An Irish songstress belted power ballads, but we’re now after something new.
On the cover of every weekly rag, a ‘breakdown’ saw Waissel cry,
Seems Topshop were out of the Kate Moss dress she’d been saving her pennies to buy.
The face of JLo and a voice in a million, a shy scouser flaunted her chops,
While a wonderful wildcard proved his worth, despite being styled by shmocks.
Will.i.am may have found a replacement for the rapstar girl in his band,
With a snarl of the lip and a hand on her hip, Cher Lloyd is cementing her brand.
Walsh’s novelty act is still going strong, as facebook fans keep him on air,
While a voice known as John took his final bow on account of a right naughty pair.
One and the same in look and style, Cowell’s boys maintain their direction,
Headed straight for the bathroom mirror, to admire their united reflection.
Cheryl’s fourth girl ain’t doing so well even though her talent is grrreeaaaat,
Her act don’t stand out in the current comp, it’s kinda three years too late.
Simon looked bored, Louie looked meek, the girls shot daggers at JK,
Bon Jovi wowed with a huge ensemble, while a food-fight broke out for RiRi.
SiCo’s makeshift girlie band went one copy-act too far as they met the end of the line,
Halloween saw them fright for their lives, but the dong bell of deadlock called time.
Pacing the stage barefoot and wild, eyes rimmed red with distress,
A drama queen wept as she went to great lengths to prove she was a top songstress.
Weeks have passed and the numbers gone down, now only nine remain,
Who will be next to face the aXe in this rigged but addictive game?