Britain's shot one less "Talent"

Do my eyes and ears deceive me, can it really be true,
Finally, eight weeks in, the Wagner did not get through?

Well praise the lord is all I can say, I thought the haters would go for broke,
But come on, if he’d been in the final it would have been an almighty joke.

And pop goes the Waissel, how convenient for Mr Cowell,
His most talked-about acts booted just before the semi-round.

They’ve done their job putting bums in seats and getting headlines filled every day,
But with two weeks to go till the final showdown he has sent them both on their way.

Although Mary Byrne has lost the edge, I’m not so enamoured any more,
Feel she would benefit the West End stage, over selling out platinum world tours.

And OMG Rebecca came on stage in a totally different dress,
I believe it was a sign that the tides had turned (or maybe she’s just trying to impress).

‘Cause rumour has it that she and Matt are embroiled in a mutual crush,
Delaying their romance till the show’s end, it’s all about looks and don’t touch!

Cher’s ego grows with each strand of fake hair as she beams like a delighted child,
You ain’t won just yet love so please try to curb yourself from acting a little too wild.

Am loving One Direction though Zain he can’t count speaking for the very first time,
Said it’s great to come out with five of your friends each and every Saturday night.

Actually dear you’re one of those five, just had to set you straight,
Maybe just let your looks do the talking so we can still think that you’re great…

Rebecca needs to move just to show that she can, it’s starting to bug me now,
How she stands very still to deliver her songs, barely moving to take a bow.

Meanwhile last night a US teen sensation, the one who flirted with Ms Cole,
Mimed all through his act and elaborate dance routine (as if we wouldn’t know!)

Love The Wanted but wasn’t so keen on their performance at last night’s show,
Forwarded through Nicole’s debut, found it lacked the heart and soul,

That is ‘needed’ on X Factor to make people believe that you are connecting with the words,
Just saying perhaps Ms Scherzinger could make use of the lessons our contestants have learned.

Dermot and Konnie did their thing and Dannii’s hair beat out Cheryl in the charts,
The charity single went to number one but where are we next aiming our darts?

Who will be dropped in the semis next week and who will be our final four?
Whoever goes out, not to worry, they’ll be joining the X Factor tour.

Please Sir, I want some more...

Little orphan Waissel went from blonde to brown,
Avoiding the bottom two for once, can she now visualise her crown?

They say a change is as good as a rest, and it seems to have done the trick,
As Katie was first to make it through, but can she make it stick?

An internet leak of the voting results revealed an interesting fact,
Katie and Cher came in at equal footing …methinks I smell a rat…!

Journalist Samantha Wood spoke to Xtra Factor’s Konnie Huq,
Asking where does Katie’s performance end (umm… what about her luck?)

A sobbing Cher went head-to-head with Dannii’s little soul man,
And Louis ended Paije’s dream (despite saying he was his biggest fan).

Dermot popped a little kiss on top of Cher’s fake hair,
(Yes Lloyd’s Mum revealed her secret stash in a slight TV overshare).

The headlines detailing Katie’s death threats had to share the limelight,
With the Pope approving of condom use, yes you heard that right.

And it seems someone will benefit, with reports Waissel’s nan charges by the hour,
But ITV insisted it wouldn’t mark Katie’s departure from X Factor Towers.

Rebecca wore the same damn dress for the third (or fourth week) in a row,
It must be lucky for the Liverpool lass (or else she’s run out of clothes!)

The joke of this year’s line up was MIA from the group performance,
It would have been a mockery for him to “sing” in the name of a worthwhile cause.

Mr Matt paraded out in a wife-beater for Beatles night,
Simon wasn’t keen on it …perhaps he found it too tight?!

Although we know that Mr Cowell is a fan of the clingy white shirt,
Maybe he wasn’t aware of the fact that imitation is a flattery of sorts.

One Direction is everyone’s faves, even Olly Murs is in their corner,
One look, one sound, one height it’s true is equal to five performers.

Last year’s runner-up took to the stage and put everyone else to shame,
Cheeky chappy Olly won us over again as he touted his rise to fame.

With just four weeks left in this year’s comp, the pressure is on the rise,
But who in the end will walk away with 2010’s X Factor prize…?

Get Wagner Out!!!

It is now officially the world’s biggest farce,
As ‘Vagner’ rolls through again and Aiden’s out on his arse.

Paije was convinced he was a goner, it was written all over his face,
As Dermot revealed he’d made it through, escaping his fall from grace.

In the bottom two since the start of the show,
We were all convinced that Katie would go.

But no, the shock as Dannii’s crooner took the hit,
In favour of Louis’, tuneless Brazilian twit.

Simon is really starting to get on my wick,
Booting Rachel last year for not being the public pick.

But ‘cause Waissel makes headlines week in week out,
Cowell just sits back and lets the others fight it out.

So long as his boyband continue sailing through,
He honestly doesn’t care who else we hiss and boo.

Touted by their boyband peers to win this years’ contest,
The boys are moving higher towards their fame conquest.

Harry is the stud and Zain the token harmony,
Liam and Louis look the same, while Niall’s the lil blondie.

With over 150,000 facebook fans on the social networking site,
The other acts better watch themselves, they’re in for an almighty fight.

Rocking an Elton John anthem, fresh from a trip to Leicester Square,
They love Emma Watson and the spotlight, they’re literally floating on air.

And did anyone notice in this week’s results, Rebecca wore the same dress as before,
Am thinking her style crown may take a tumble post her Sunday night fashion faux pas.

While Cheryl rocked the Minnie Mouse look, with a hint of Princess Lea,
Cher stepped closer to her transformation to become Cole’s mini replica.

Mary for me has lost her appeal, think she’s tired and should cut her losses,
She truly belongs on the West End stage, could someone have a word with the ITV bosses?

Matt’s still gorgeous though wasn’t keen on this week’s song,
But it ain’t his fault that the theme was Elton John.

Feel sorry for Louis Walsh, Simon’s rudeness is beginning to get old.
But his acts JLS and Westlife last night proved their weight in gold.

The women squealed as then onto the stage came their girlhood fantasy,
The reformed Take That performed their song, complete with Mr Robbie.

Seal revealed he’s backing Rebecca as this year’s star,
But the way that things are going, it could be (gulp) Wagner!!!

Borne in the USA!!!

In the final four left standing before Dermot announced the last two,
I finally thought Wagner’s time was up, but shock horror D announced he got through!

So Little Miss Treyc was booted after last night’s drama show,
As Cheryl didn’t do a Meryl, refusing to let either girl go.

The Madness of Waissel continued as she publicly suffered a breakdown,
Slumping onto the stage mid-performance convinced she ain’t getting the crown.

Throwing her toys from her high-maintenance pram she looked to throw in the towel,
But lived to see another round saved by a Walsh and a Cowell.

Beautiful Matt and Rebecca, thankfully sailed into next week,
Followed by Aiden and the Bieber boys, who finally served up a treat.

Breaking formation from one straight line, they danced and grooved like Wild Cats,
Channelling High School Musical spirit and fun, they showed Efron who’s really the man!

Mary lost her will to sing, claiming she’s missing her daughter,
Surprisingly though instead of her, two other lambs were sent to the slaughter.

I guess one bad week ain’t enough to discourage fans of the Irish bird,
With Louis fighting her corner each week, adamant she be seen and heard.

Paije went all retro… oh yes, yet again, with his country club look on show,
Likened to comic Len Henry, with his yellow cardi in tow.

Cher glowered at Simon’s comments, “accepting” his view of her skill,
Though I worry for Mr X Factor, just saying, ‘if looks could kill…’

Dannii’s big sis came out sparkling complete with very high heels,
Bringing her level with Dermot, when he joined her to make his spiel.

JT lookalike Mr Shane Ward flaunted his bod and new song,
With a Matrix-style backdrop he stood up high well away from the screaming throng.

From Viva Las Vegas to Keyes’ New York, American Anthems reigned,
But who will the British public chop next as the hopefuls get nearer to fame.

Twitter and Tweet

I used to think it was a waste of space, chaps spouting out thoughts willy nilly,
But then I considered, after losing my job, I should really stop being so silly.

It really is a fabulous portal to network and spread it about,
That I’m kinda looking and if they …you know, then maybe they’d give me a shout.

From PRs to lawyers, and admen to eds, the creatives are tweeting in force,
And drivers and popstars, businessmen and women are also joining in of course.

A worldwide phenomenon, genius, inspired, it’s swept the globe far and wide,
As tweets flow fast all day and all night, people frantically keeping their stride.

Demi and Ashton like to post naughty pics, showing they really are real,
Girls follow Chace and other hot bods convinced this’ll clinch them the deal.

Copycats make bids for awesome book deals pretending to be random stars,
From Cole to Fry, Waissel and more, they fire off ‘witty-some’ bars.

Competitions and discounts, headlines and news all make it onto the feed,
As thousands sign on each and every day, hungry for the titbits they’ll read.

Collecting followers is the new biggest fad, replacing stickers and stamps,
As people revel in virtual fanbases, competing to be the tweet champ.

Addicted to knowing what’s just been posted, checking computer and iPhone,
Boring your colleagues, parents, lovers and friends, ignoring their long-suffering groans.

Jeopardising work and relationships to dedicate much of your time,
To refreshing the page just once more, to see if that person you mentioned replied.

Jumping with unconcealed excitement when a text alert vibrates through,
That you’ve just got a direct message from that person you think’s really cool.

Yes, Twitter is the online place to see, be seen and stay tuned,
To the ways of the world in this fast-moving era, where only our fingers get pruned.

Tapping away till our digits go numb, and the time fades into the past,
Perhaps in our future we’ll hazily recall what we said in our first Twitter blast?

Genius Comes in many forms...

They tried to revive the five-piece boyband, with a little F, Y and D,
But they were soon stripped of their dancing shoes live on Sunday TV.
The Brazilian joker of Walsh’s pack survived to the shock of the nation,
While a certain blonde cried her heart out, singing in desperation.
The headlines were full of spite, accusing Cheryl of not bringing her A-Gamu,
While an Italian diva and has-been rock leader were ousted by the public shoe!
Mad and brooding, creating a craze, Aiden let us into his world,
Evoking eerie presence and pin-up looks, his performance won over the girls.
A certain painter in a certain hat finally opened his eyes,
Melting the heart of every female with his lyrical, soulful surprise.
Camp and colourful, Simon’s duo painted the X Factor stage green, pink and blue,
An Irish songstress belted power ballads, but we’re now after something new.
On the cover of every weekly rag, a ‘breakdown’ saw Waissel cry,
Seems Topshop were out of the Kate Moss dress she’d been saving her pennies to buy.
The face of JLo and a voice in a million, a shy scouser flaunted her chops,
While a wonderful wildcard proved his worth, despite being styled by shmocks.
Will.i.am may have found a replacement for the rapstar girl in his band,
With a snarl of the lip and a hand on her hip, Cher Lloyd is cementing her brand.
Walsh’s novelty act is still going strong, as facebook fans keep him on air,
While a voice known as John took his final bow on account of a right naughty pair.
One and the same in look and style, Cowell’s boys maintain their direction,
Headed straight for the bathroom mirror, to admire their united reflection.
Cheryl’s fourth girl ain’t doing so well even though her talent is grrreeaaaat,
Her act don’t stand out in the current comp, it’s kinda three years too late.
Simon looked bored, Louie looked meek, the girls shot daggers at JK,
Bon Jovi wowed with a huge ensemble, while a food-fight broke out for RiRi.
SiCo’s makeshift girlie band went one copy-act too far as they met the end of the line,
Halloween saw them fright for their lives, but the dong bell of deadlock called time.
Pacing the stage barefoot and wild, eyes rimmed red with distress,
A drama queen wept as she went to great lengths to prove she was a top songstress.
Weeks have passed and the numbers gone down, now only nine remain,
Who will be next to face the aXe in this rigged but addictive game?

The Act of Stardom

In the bottom two again on last night's X Factor, Katie Waissel 'broke down' almost before her performance of Etta James' 'Trust in Me' was over.

This girl has mastered the act of over-acting; from breakdowns in Topshop to spider-leg eyelashes, Waissel (fondly referred to by some as 'Weasel') is going above and beyond to cement her presence in the public consciousness.

Although her husky warblings are sensually appealing, and her kooky on-stage persona memorable; there is something of a mad desperation about her, which clearly came across on Sunday night. Walking around barefoot (uh, hello - been there done that, Diana Vickers) in a gold playsuit, her black root-powdery hairstyle up at all ends - she seemed to me nothing more than a lunatic woman stalking her bathroom shouting things out in frustration...

I feel no good can come from this madcap manner - calm down Miss Katie... that's a warning!